dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
