i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
