I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
