I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
