I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
