Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Randomize
