I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
