I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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