The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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