I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
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