Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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