i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
