I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
