I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
