Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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