Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
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