Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
