and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I have feelings that need drinking.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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