I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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