pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
