I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
