There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
