Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
