Define "chronic" masturbator.
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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