i can't believe i had my finger in that
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
