I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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