i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Randomize
