Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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