either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
