someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
