I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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