I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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