Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize