I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
The power of my boobs compel you
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
