I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
