My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
