remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He better not be in your backpack
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
