just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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