Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
