The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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