i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
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