she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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