Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
