That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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