Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
