walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
