I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab