we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
