so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
