im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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