im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Enjoy the penises
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
