When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
