and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
