dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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