i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
