4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Randomize
