any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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