3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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