I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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