So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
