keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
